Things I did not accomplish today.

Before leaving for work this morning Kelly reminded me: “don’t forget to vacuum the house and mop the kitchen floors today Ian, OK?”

A list of things I have not accomplished today:

  1. Completed first nude free solo summit of Mt Kilimanjaro by pogo stick.
  2. Solved the philosophical so-called ’hard problem’ of human consciousness.
  3. Recorded back up vocals track for Lil Uzi Vert’s forthcoming rap album.
  4. Slapped Donald Trump and Scott Morrison around the face with that bag of green mushy mouldy stuff in the bottom of our vegetable crisper.
  5. Vacuumed the house.
  6. Mopped the kitchen floor.

So…sorry about that Kelly.

But on the positive side, I am sure you will agree that in the overall total list of things I did not accomplish today, the mopping and vacuuming bits dwindle to near insignificance.


If your partner or significant other has tasked you with identical or similar household duties and you are considering using or modifying this excuse for personal use, do so with caution.

Although all due diligence has been taken in developing this defence, and despite it haven been tested in real-life clinical situations the probability of it being accepted remains slim to zero. Repercussions and responses may vary.
The author accepts no responsibilities for damages or personal injury and advises that heartfelt apology may, in actuality, remain the best policy. 

Better still, get off your lazy arse and mop the floor you muppet.

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