Japanese TV is weird. I mean the whole thing is like watching some sort of alternate reality, teenage magazine, Teletubbies mashup…all topped with a sprinkling of happy cuddly MDMA. 

Today, we are in Hakone-Yumoto a bespoke mountain village that we last visited over 10 years ago. It is beautiful here. Crisp clean air and autumnal foliage in a full ochre golden fall. 

Thus far our trip has been high-end excellent. From the unexpected upgrade to Business Class (I am now officially a BC snob), to the clear sunny days wandering Tokyo. 

Getting around here is an absolute snap. The clockwork efficiency of the train system combined with the real-time info provided by google maps (departure time, station, line, and platform)means you can get to anywhere from anywhere else. It’s easy, speedy, and cheap as chips. 

—ooOOoo—

One thing that becomes immediately apparent in Japan is the scarcity of rubbish bins. Basically there aren’t any. 

With vending machines on every corner and everything packaged, the sheer volume of single-use disposable plastics being generated is staggering. Yet there is barely any rubbish. Where does it all go? Where do people dispose of their trash? It is a deep mystery. But I am watching carefully and will get back to you with an answer. 

Whilst on the topics of mystery….when you pass through the turnstiles at the train stations, you place your ticket in a slot at one end and then it pops out another slot at the far end past the gate (about 1 metre away). But the instant my ticket gets sucked into the slot,it pops out the other end. The same ticket…instantaneously!

There is some sort of quantum-teleportation black magic, secret tech going on here.

—ooOOoo—

The toilet situation does not disappoint. Warmed seats, a ‘full cleaning’ water jet service, deodorizing, and acoustic concealment. And a control panel that guarantees hours of fun. Kelly wants me to install one at home.

Perhaps this explains the overt positivity and hyper-hospitality (not to mention the weird TV) of the Japanese people.

We are assuredly walking amongst 123,485,397 squeaky clean sphincters.