Harold is my magpie friend. A while back I started giving him leftover crumbs of rice crackers and tiny rolled up balls of rye bread and suchlike. Pretty much everything a magpie doesn’t usually eat.
He became evermore bold in his snack seeking, eventually waddling up and tapping on the outside of our dining room window just to remind me it was time.

Universal scientific consensus is not to feed wild birds around your house as it habituates them to unnatural behaviours (like window tapping) and fosters an unhealthy diet. Kelly told me it was not a good idea.

Feeling guilty I asked Harold about this.
“Fuck those sanctimonious, over-educated, ornithological party poopers. What do they know? I happen to like a little rice cracker with my worms. Preferably salt and vinegar! …….I don’t suppose you have any beer in there?”

Harold had anger issues.

–oOo–

A couple of weeks back I attended a 7-day mediation retreat. On arrival, we were advised that to get the most out of our solitude it was best to avoid checking in online or using social media as it could be……distracting.

On the second last night I was feeling pretty zen. So I thought to myself: I’ll just check in to see if Kelly has left me any text messages…..just in case there are any issues at home. How could a peek possibly be distracting?

I mindfully turned on the phone. And serenely checked the screen.
Sure enough, there was a text message waiting for me…

IAN. I LEFT THE SLIDING DOOR OPEN AND HAROLD CAME IN LOOKING FOR YOU! JUNO IS NOW CHASING HIM ALL OVER THE HOUSE GOING TOTALLY BARKING BERSERK. HAROLD IS FLYING INTO EVERYTHING, BREAKING STUFF AND SHITTING ALL OVER THE HOUSE!!!
AGGGHHHRRRRRRAHHHH! CALL ME NOW!!!
ANGRY EMOJI. FURIOIUS EMOJI.

At that moment the bell rang to call us back to the meditation hall.